Why do we apologize so often? And, how it this hurting our authority in the workplace? I dive deep into both as well as other potentially problematic phrases to stop using.

I was inspired to write this article after listening to an episode of Women at Work, a podcast produced by Harvard Business Review. I would highly recommend listening to this podcast after you read this article.

While that podcast episode is focused around women’s language and its effects in the workplace, I believe that many of these same concepts and perceptions are relatable to marketing professionals in the A/E/C industry. We are often in departments or teams in a firm that is led by technical professionals.

As of this writing, the industry still skews heavily with men mostly making up firm ownership and marketing predominately being women. That is another issue, but for now, let’s start with something that we can have control over and that’s how we communicate.

What Apologizing Signifies

You may be prone to apologizing at work. Maybe you are late for a meeting, interrupted someone in a meeting or turned in a report late. You most likely will apologize in these situations. Saying “I’m sorry” is a good thing to say at work, especially when you are at fault and you’ve done something to apologize for.

But it can also be a bad thing at work.

According to a 2010 study called, “Why Women Apologize More Than Men: Gender Differences in Thresholds for Perceiving Offensive Behavior,” women do, in fact, apologize more than men. But, it’s not necessarily for the reason that we think.

It’s not that men are unwilling to apologize. If they think they have done something wrong, they will apologize. It’s just that men don’t think they have done as many things wrong. Men perceive fewer offenses than women. And, women rate the exact same offenses more severe and therefore are more willing to apologize for them.

Apologizing doesn’t send a message of strength. It doesn’t send a message of intention, that you are fully present, and it’s a form of minimizing yourself, your presence, and your contribution.

The podcast went on to interview Sally Helgesen, a leadership consultant and author of the book: How Women Rise, Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back From Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job. She believes that apologizing sends a signal that you’re not as competent or certainly as confident in your right to be where you are.

If you want to be seen as a leader, if you want to be seen as someone who can really be trusted, then it’s a good idea to stop the habitual apologizing. This habitual apologizing is sending the message that you’re either not responsible or that you’re taking responsibility for everything.

What to Say Instead

What should we be saying instead to be perceived as and taken seriously as a leader? I am so happy you asked.

The first recommendation is to say “thank you” more often. Try substituting “I’m sorry” for “thank you.”

For example, if you’re late for a meeting, don’t say I’m sorry. This turns the attention to you. Instead, try “thank you for waiting for me.” This demonstrates that you are being gracious to those there and that your presence in the meeting is an important one.

Stick with other positive options to replace your apology. You could say “I’m glad to be here” or “I am really looking forward to what we’re going to be talking about today.”

Another trick to sounding more confident is to reduce the word “just.” When you are talking or writing emails, remove the word just as much as possible. It typically does not change the meaning of the phrase or point you are trying to make. It makes your communication clearer and makes you sound more confident.

Other phrases you may use too often maybe, “I just want to add one more thing,” or “this will only take a second.” These may send the signal that what you have to say is not important, or this may be off point.

Avoid Maximizing

In your efforts to demonstrate your experience and being taken seriously, you may have fallen into the maximizing trap. When you are in the maximizing trap, when you are sending an email, talking to firm leaders about your new idea, or making the case for a new campaign, you throw the whole kitchen sink at it to justify, rationalize, support, claim a right to be there. This can be less effective.

Numerous studies of women average 20,000 words a day and men use, on average 7,000. Outside of work, women bond through this communication. But, in a work situation, a lot of background and a lot of detail can undermine you when you are dealing with leadership level.

You might be far more effective to say, “Here’s my idea. If you’re interested in how I came up with this, let me know.” It’s really being intentional about how you communicate to achieve what you are trying to achieve.

When you are writing emails, edit them so you don’t have extra words, extra phrases, or extra sentences. Most people like to read something that is short and clear.

Review and Edit Your Emails

Emails are also another place that the phrase “I’m sorry” too often appears. Think about how many times in the last week you sent an email with the following phrases:

• I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner
• I’m sorry I didn’t get this to you sooner
• I’m sorry but I couldn’t get a hold of…

These phrases are a waste of time and space in the email. Now, if you were truly at fault for something, then an apology is warranted, but not responding to an email after a few days, in my opinion, doesn’t warrant an apology.

Still write the email, but before you send, re-read it and delete the I’m sorry phrase. Just start the email with the sentence that comes after that. The person still wants the answer. Write the email and be concise with the response. I have been practicing this for a few months and I can really see the difference in how others respond to me.

So, be concise and clear in your email and, quite frankly, all of your communications.

The Right Balance

It doesn’t matter if you are a male or female in that we can both get criticized for being too harsh or too pushy. If you start being more direct and concise, you may be criticized for being cold or a bitch, especially if you are a woman. There are stories and internet lore of the same email being sent around from a woman and a man being treated very differently. Heck, I have been there.

 The podcast hosts had a great way to overcome this. Their advice was to address the comment at that moment. If someone says, “that was a little direct” or “you were a bit scary there.” Address the comment at that moment.

They suggest asking how that person could have said the same thing differently or use a bit of humor and say something like “You’re pretty easily scared aren’t you.”

Another option is to say that you being thoughtful of their time, so you just wanted to get to the point. Or, you can say nothing at all.

You can’t let people get into your head. You have to remember your purpose for your communication.

In Conclusion

We have been given countless advice about what to say and what not to say (including this article). I want you to instead focus on what you want and what you care about and be strategic in that way. Ask yourself what do I want in this situation and what’s the language that helps me get there?

Remember, you don’t have to apologize if it’s not truly your fault.

Your Turn

What is one habit you are going to eliminate or try to minimize in your communication, whether verbal or written communication? Let me know in the comments below.